Living Through The End
It’s easy to say that joy is resistance, but a lot harder to feel joy when you are overwhelmed and scared.
As you may be aware, the world is currently on fire. That’s not entirely accurate. The United States may be on fire which certainly has repercussions throughout the world, but much of the world has experienced being on fire at various points in the past and present in large part due to the actions of the United States when “democracy” was supposedly functioning just fine and we, ourselves, were NOT on fire (just starting them all over the world).
With that said it has been a rough six weeks for many people affected by the chaos that the current administration and their corporate accomplices have created, myself included. There are a lot of places you can keep up with the chaos, although I recommend doing so in small doses. I’m interested here in how we deal with the chaos and overwhelm in our own lives, mine in particular.
Since January 20 I have been spending a lot of time and energy putting the emphasis on “end” in the phrase “Living through the end”, but this week I am realizing how much I need to put the emphasis on “living” in order to get through this. My reaction to this kind of chaos has been to dig in and find what I can DO. This is a helpful reaction because there’s a lot to do. When we learned that the Governor of Texas had declared gender-affirming care child abuse, I attended webinars, created a safe folder, helped other parents, and worked on the board of our pride network. It can be very helpful to find things that you can do to stave off the despair and lean into the support of communities and people around you.
In my case, I am probably motivated more by fear and a sense that things are out of control. If I can find things to do, it gives me a sense of control over the things that are clearly NOT in my control. My brain says, “No need to worry. If we work hard enough and do enough things, then the worst won’t happen and we can prevent disaster.” It really is incredible how powerful I seem to think I am!
This week in therapy I realized I had fallen into this same pattern as the actions of the current administration and the cowardice of our hospitals in Colorado triggered that same fear response. I’m not good at making room for my emotions so I jumped into action. I joined a local group forming to help protect and provide support for the queer community. I reached out to make more connections and get our LGBTQ organizations together to strategize and share about what’s happening. Note that these are all good things. They might even be helpful to others as well as myself.
But I know deep down that this is not what I really need and that the reason for doing more and staying busy is because I’m actually feeling scared. I’m scared that we might have to move again. I’m scared of what happens if one of my kids can’t get the care they need. How will they respond? I’m scared as a nonbinary person who is still figuring out what that means for me and living as my authentic self. I’m also angry. Angry that we moved to a state with the strongest shield laws for gender-affirming care and our hospitals immediately folded to Executive Orders that had no legal authority. Angry that the difficult choice to flee Texas wasn’t enough to protect my family. Angry that I have to deal with this on top of all the other difficulties of having a pre-teen, junior in high school, and freshman in college!
The busyness doesn’t make any of that go away. Usually, it just comes out sideways as impatience or frustration with the people around me. I think this is in part because I am focused on the “end”, the end of the American Empire, the end of safety and security, the end of life that looms before all of us. So the “living” part is subsumed by whatever “end” overshadows me. I have even said that we have to lean into community and that queer joy is resistance, but I don’t think those platitudes made their way into my bones. Easier said than done.
My therapist gave me homework to listen to a meditation before I listened to the news in the morning. This week that has been while walking the dog in the morning. It has slowed me down and helped me to pay attention and be present. This has already shifted something in me. It causes my world to shrink down to a moment and a place. These are things I can control; how I show up, what I pay attention to, how I respond to things, and what I put my time and energy into.
One of my favorite podcasts, Do By Friday, had an episode this week where the challenge was to “notice some good things.” Here’s a gallery of some good things in my life so far this year:
It’s easy to say that joy is resistance, but a lot harder to feel joy when you are overwhelmed and scared. I think my therapist and favorite podcast’s advice is helpful in moving me from that state of fight, flight, or freeze to a place where I can find a way to really live even while the American Empire is collapsing around me. It moves me out of overwhelm and into my immediate surroundings. What is in front of me right now and how can I be present and appreciate it? How can I show up right now to help my kid with their homework or paint my nails and really enjoy it?
I’m not advocating for sticking your head in the sand. I will still be listening to the news in moderation and I will still be involved in groups who are working to resist and care for our community, but I really do believe that figuring out how to live and enjoy the life I have regardless of what is happening in the news will get me through the end of the world in a way that feels good and makes it worth living. I want to live my life more fully through to the end no matter what that end looks like. And THAT does feel like resistance and making something beautiful that no Executive Order can ever take from me!
Such good thoughts, friend. Thinking of you all 🤍